Posted by humandoing 8 years ago
A guitarist went to the doctor with hearing problems.  
"Can you describe the symptoms?" the doctor asked.  
The guitarist replied," Sure. That's easy. Homer is a fat yellow bloke and Marge has blue hair."  
I overheard a bloke in the pub the other day boasting that he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin.  
His friend asked how he could tell them apart and the bloke said,  
”Her brother has a beard!"  
About two months ago a couple of lesbians moved in next door.  
We got on very well and when they found out it was my birthday last week they gave me a Rolex.  
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I’d told them I really wanna watch.  
Got a leaflet through the door this morning promising 'Great Sex at 55', which is really handy because I live at no. 51, so not too far to walk home afterwards  
Walking into the pub, Seamus said to Brendan the bartender,  
"Pour me a double whiskey, woodja. I just had another bloody fight with the owld woman."  
"Oh yeah?" said Brendan, "How did this one end? You look unmarked."  
"Well, when it was over," Seamus replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees, so she did."  
"Really?" said Brendan, "Now that is a switch! What did she say?"  
She said, "Come out from under the bed, y'feckin' chicken!"  
I had an uncle who was a useless ventriloquist - he used to stick his fingers up my bottom and tell me not to say anything........  
A Polar Bear walks into a pub and says...  
"Can I have a Gin.............................................................................and tonic"  
the barman says "What the big pause ?"  
The polar bear says "I was born with them"  
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realised I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.  
A Cow, an Ant and an Asshole...  
A Cow, an Ant and an Asshole are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.  
Cow: I give 50 litres of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!  
Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!  
Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something...  
AB: The fart one was great.