my brother's query on "my last day of work"...
Posted by boots 12 years ago
I had written this in an email but he found it so ludicrous that I thought I would 'share' the shame.  
 
 
Ahhhh, Jr...  
 
how was my last day at the job, you ask?? heh. Well, this is a typical example of the fine treatment I received there. *ahem* On my last day, the boss (very nicely) took me out for lunch. Two other people from the orifice came too. All was going very nicely and was pleasant enough. WELL. After lunch (and hearing one office person in particular drone on and on about mushrooms and plants (OY!!!~eye roll~) and basically sitting there listening to a masturbatory solilloquy (sp?) for and hour and a half (you know the type right: cant' get a friggin word in edgewise..they need ALL the spotlight...etc.) well, then a small package was presented to me. I was happy and said Thanks to all. Inside it: (here is gets good!) inside that pretty package (gift bag recycled, but who cares)...are two "V(co. name)" mugs. These mugs are free every time a V.(co. name)convention happens and the sales guys attend. I already have a "V****" 'bag' and another "V****" 'letter opener' (haha). the beauty part is that these babies were from a shelf IN THE OFFICE WHERE I WORK and OFTENTIME actually DUST !!! In fact, when presented to me, there is still DUST IN THEM! lol! how the F(lock of seagulls) do ya like that?! How f*%@ cheap and cheesy! The boss says "so, you'll never forget us". uh, don't worry I shant. (shudder~~ if I ever have to stare down into the face of that filthy mug for a morning coffee and have thoughts relating to V****, shoot me!! )"Go 'way!" (Author's note: hours later before I was to leave, I discreetly placed one mug back on the shelf where there was...(*deep breath here*) an actual DUST RING from it BEING MISSING FROM THERE. I, lady-like took one filthy mug for politeness. Don't let it be said I am not gracious. Gracious, yes. Stupid, nay.  
 
Of course, when they had been presented to me I smiled and said thanks and had a nice time at lunch anyway. But, really after hearing the spouting off (er, 'talking') about gays being a 'nuisance to society' and assorted other bullshit...my eyes had glazed over enough times that I happily felt that vacating that position is SO the right thing to do. Thank you Universe, for pointing me towards my stuff and my people again! **YAY***  
 
Ma, is somewhat sad, but we already visited her and intend to pop in every coupla weeks or so. Not to worry. She bugs me...er, I mean "calls" me enough and we keep in touch anyway. ;)  
 
Take care lil bro. Call me when you can. Love to the kitties and Steph (not nec. in THAT order). Kick in the pants to yeh!  
 
***(my name).  
 
 
 
my brother's query on "my last day of work"...
Posted by boots 12 years ago
I had written this in an email but he found it so ludicrous that I thought I would 'share' the shame.(/i>  
 
 
Ahhhh, Jr...  
 
how was my last day at the job, you ask?? heh. Well, this is a typical example of the fine treatment I received there. *ahem* On my last day, the boss (very nicely) took me out for lunch. Two other people from the orifice came too. All was going very nicely and was pleasant enough. WELL. After lunch (and hearing one office person in particular drone on and on about mushrooms and plants (OY!!!~eye roll~) and basically sitting there listening to a masturbatory solilloquy (sp?) for and hour and a half (you know the type right: cant' get a friggin word in edgewise..they need ALL the spotlight...etc.) well, then a small package was presented to me. I was happy and said Thanks to all. Inside it: (here is gets good!) inside that pretty package (gift bag recycled, but who cares)...are two "V(co. name)" mugs. These mugs are free every time a V.(co. name)convention happens and the sales guys attend. I already have a "V****" 'bag' and another "V****" 'letter opener' (haha). the beauty part is that these babies were from a shelf IN THE OFFICE WHERE I WORK and OFTENTIME actually DUST !!! In fact, when presented to me, there is still DUST IN THEM! lol! how the F(lock of seagulls) do ya like that?! How f*%@ cheap and cheesy! The boss says "so, you'll never forget us". uh, don't worry I shant. (shudder~~ if I ever have to stare down into the face of that filthy mug for a morning coffee and have thoughts relating to V****, shoot me!! )"Go 'way!" (Author's note: hours later before I was to leave, I discreetly placed one mug back on the shelf where there was...(*deep breath here*) an actual DUST RING from it BEING MISSING FROM THERE. I, lady-like took one filthy mug for politeness. Don't let it be said I am not gracious. Gracious, yes. Stupid, nay.  
 
Of course, when they had been presented to me I smiled and said thanks and had a nice time at lunch anyway. But, really after hearing the spouting off (er, 'talking') about gays being a 'nuisance to society' and assorted other bullshit...my eyes had glazed over enough times that I happily felt that vacating that position is SO the right thing to do. Thank you Universe, for pointing me towards my stuff and my people again! **YAY***  
 
Ma, is somewhat sad, but we already visited her and intend to pop in every coupla weeks or so. Not to worry. She bugs me...er, I mean "calls" me enough and we keep in touch anyway. ;)  
 
Take care lil bro. Call me when you can. Love to the kitties and Steph (not nec. in THAT order). Kick in the pants to yeh!  
 
***(my name).  
 
 
 
and now...a little ditty (finding pitch with my harmonica)...
Posted by boots 13 years ago
"OOOOOOOOOOOOhhhhh...give me land, lots 'o land under starry skies above,  
don't fence me in.  
Let me ride through the wide, open country that I love....don't fence me in. Let me (something something....)on an evenin' breeze,  
listen to the murmur of the cottonwood tree-HEES,  
send me off FOREVER but I ASK YOU PLEEEEZZE....don't fence me in!"  
 
thank you, thank you. I will be in the lobby with my salad spinner ready to receive tomatoes and other assorted veggies
What it means to be at a crossroads
Posted by boots 13 years ago
Trying to make headway here with respect to decisions. Ah yes...that word again. Somehow seems to stump me altogether. I always feel so torn when it comes to chosing ONE career path. My ideas change every few years with the lessons I have learned and gained insight from my experiences. For example, I used to act because I used to think that fulfilling ones destiny was best served by following your passion first. (I still feel that way to an extent). Later, I got a little jaded and a little scared and starting to 'reason' my way out of it..("i'ts too fickle..it's not serious...it has no credibility...it's too shallow...too competitive..." blah, blah and so on..) So, I talked myself into studying Media and Communications- thinking "well, that's better. This will mean less fickleness and more stability with career prospects." I was wrong. It opened up more doors to be sure, but it also opened up a can of worms. Inside that can I saw many more things I could be passionate about! I discovered hidden talents and interests. It left me more confused than ever, but I worked a bit in that field. It turned out to be as competitive and as fickle since much of it was free-lancing and contractual work. I had to be always on the move and always looking for my next 'connection' (and I resented 'networking'). I felt no real passion for chasing these jobs, but I wanted to look like the other people with respectable jobs. In the end, I did not feel fulfilled- more like I was living a lie, looking good on paper to appease...? well, I know not whom.  
 
Later, I studied computers...then graphic design...got an ok job from the culmination of these skills. Doesn't pay much. As I toil around in it (for the past 3 years) I am back to feeling a sense of unrest. I don't beleive in what I am doing. Don't want to sell things to people. I don't want to write false words for false products to sell things to people. I don't want to correct mistakes, I don't want to do accounting, I don't want to sit in at boring-ass meetings about where the sales leads are and where we are are in our reaching our money quota. My eyes glaze over when I hear talk of business. I am in the wrong pond again. Seriously, I am made of different stuff.  
 
In retrospect, I chose those fields out of fear - of not being acknowledged, of not 'fitting in' of not having 'enough money', of not finding real security (whatever 'that' means). I realize that in today's market there is very little security. The nine-to-fiver is but obselete (sp?). Most jobs are going the way of contract work and freelancing. (it scares me). Between my passions and my values is where I stand. At the back of me, I desire security and status (or at least acknowledgement of some kind), I want my own place, my own money. At the forefront is my growing need to do something of substance and give back to the world. I want to find meaning and substance in what I do for career. I want to better the world. I have also asked in earnnest of myslef the scary question: "If no one ever knew about what you did, would you still do it?" (in other words, am I doing it to look good to others). The answer is yes, I still would. Then in the middle, I am this frustrated writer, actor, artist. My sensibilities cry out to do something and alwayws wanting to morph into different mediums.  
 
But today, my art alone and my acting and my writing do not seem to be enough to make me feel fulfilled in spirit. I no longer find much all value in that. I would like to heal people and inspire them and teach them through counselling (or using art). Lately, I have had the craziest idea to go to Africa. One day I had this vivid dream and I was in Africa, and I was teaching children to speak English, and talking to young mothers about their travails and showing them life skills and manual, planting seeds of self-esteem for people that have nothing. The world needs so much healing. I want to help those who are less fortunate...without becoming one myself...and without martyrdom. It moves me to think that at this point, I can change my life completely, and go in a completely different direction! I can chose anything and re-invent my life for the changing,ever-evolving me. It would of course mean great effort and intent and compromise...and the loss of things.  
 
In that decision making, is where I slump. And that leads me to today. I voraciously research on how to attain a BA. Although I have inate natural abilities and experience and skills, I feel that this (credentials) will bide me credibility and with that credibility comes choice and power and then I can go anywhere in the world...in whatever context I chose to devote my energies. I must be a healing artist. Sometimes, it is lonely to have much passion and many interests at once...especially when in your heart you are a healer.  
Thanks for listening. Wish you all well.
Genius Level
Posted by boots 13 years ago
Today I have been crowned a Genius!! genius, genius, geniusssss...Yes. Well, (sniff) I always knew I was. Now...where the hell did I put my pencil?? oh yeah, it's behind my ear.  
 
 
ha.
fast-forward a coupla months...
Posted by boots 13 years ago
Hawaii was great, sucks to be back. Can't sleep for weeks now. (I even moved to a new place so I could sleep better!)Sigh. postings links, going for walks, keeping 'positive', avoiding caffeine, doing all that shite. Nuthin.  
 
I'm not bitter. Just F#%@^& tired. What's it like to fall asleep again..? I forget.  
 
(no, sadly, sex doesn't help!)  
Aloha
Posted by boots 13 years ago
I am back from Hawaii...so much to say so, much beauty seen, so much adventured, so grateful.  
I was an adventurer, athlete, Grace Kelly, Jane Goodall, tribe member, earth goddess...ALL.  
 
"Happy I went" is an understatement... :)  
Stoopidest thing I said today...
Posted by boots 13 years ago
(just "today", mind you...not taking into acct. all the atrocities from many yesterdays.) ha. and ha.  
 
At work I sit next to the (open) window, when I suddenly hear the really loud squeally tires of a bus...eeekkk...weeeeh...it made my teeth hurt. My boss was walking behind me so I blurt: "Boy...somebody needs to get their tires oiled."  
 
He said, "Um, if they oiled their tires, the bus would be all over the road!" and walked away laughing.  
 
Did I feel like a numb-ie! (What a jessica Simpson moment.)Damn-he makes me bi-ggi-ge-dy! I turned red and chuckled to myself for about 4 minutes...
Breakin' a sweat...
Posted by boots 13 years ago
wearing a thirty-something suit  
she seeks the Warrior athlete within  
stepping up, pulses pounding  
movement, expanse, breath anew  
a task again! a new bright task...  
to breathe, to work hard  
the warrior's body,  
rusty  
with neglect, passivity of years  
remembering still  
she remembers the old work...  
how the machine was oiled  
the warrior walks faster, arms lunging forward--back straighter, solid trodding  
systems flood with light and energy, redness coloring the skin, nerves tensing alive!  
alive again...what a rush, what a power, what a grand pain to be...  
now the task, more painful still,  
the reluctant warrior lays on the back, hands clasped behind  
she tilts a might forward...  
repeatedly so....repeatedly so, repeatedly so...she does not know her limits this time...only stopping shy...of  
smelling burnt toast  
The Waltons
Posted by boots 13 years ago
Tonight I met "The Waltons". I don't mean the stars of the old show from the 70's- I mean the real-life thing. I was invited to this picnic out in a place in the forest, a long drive away. When I finally got there, I was greeted by "Joe". He was an old timer who wore his working overalls, had a white beard and tight, taut muscles belonging to an old navy guy (which he had been). He came down the front porch steps and greeted me with a firm hug rather than a handshake. Behind him a tablefull of people sat under a large veranda. They scavanged on turkey, gravy, beans, red and white wines. They had never met me and asked not one question, except to say:"Do you want some turkey?" and " What kind of wine would you like?" All these generous offers. Some reached out across my plate to grab a bowl of some kind, with an "''scuse me". No pretense about my presence. I think I was kind of in heaven. After bloating up on the food, yes- everyone complained about their bellies...  
Then I was given a tour of the house "ornaments". The rustic little house was chock full of Dalmatians trinkets-in every room, and hundreds of them! ( What can one say?)  
I went for a ride on this great tire swing that was braced by this big old tree next to the house and was 'pushed' so high that I flew over a garage roof! Marshmallows, wet dogs, outdoor fire...the whole thing seemed right out of a movie. I burned a marshmallow, sat by the brook, talked with Joe, petted wet dogs, smelled fresh cedar leaves, swung on a star.  
Man, did I feel lucky.
The Wrong Lineup
Posted by boots 13 years ago
With basket in hand, so I look quickly and scout what looks to be the lineup with the "Most Potential for Moving the Fastest" since there are less people in line and a savvier-looking cashier. I gleefully step up. Up before me is a little old man who has about 5 items: boxy things, canned things and some tea. I smile inwardly for a mo. As his turn comes I use the time by preparing myself mentally: tallying up how much my small list of stuff with come to, how to pay,from what account etc.  
Well.  
He cannnot hear very well when the total is called to him. His hands tremble as he pulls out his old wallet, he coughs a little as he struggles to open it. His eyes are pale blue, they squint a little in the light as he hands a bill to the cashier. She says something to him. He says, "Oh, sorry...I can't see if I have that. Can you please look for me. I'm...". Some folks in the lineup behind me do the three step shuffle at this point. I sigh a little then resign to remain here. I've got time, I figure. I want to help him, but the cashier has already pulled out some change for him. It is apparently not quite enough. He has to draw an item back. He sighs a bit. He pulls out the boxed thing(he does not part with the tea, I note). His hands shake as he receives the change back from the cashier. He coughs a little again. My eyes drift to the other happily-bustling registers. In other lineups, people who were later than me have already paid and passed through. I am still standing there. I tell myself: I have a propensity for picking the 'wrong lineup'- having the "George Costanza" (Seinfeld) sense the of picking the 'opposite' of the right thing. It is like a "Gift" (and I haven't the receipt to exchange it...).  
 
He old man is gathers his bag. He is tall and looks like he might have been a looker in his day. Now he is meek, he moves so slowly. As he leaves he takes from his jacket pocket a small kerchief and wipes his watery eyes a little before moving forth.  
 
With his presence, I saw my impatient, go go go life, the fast-moving mentality of my generation, my punch-card timing sense of the moving world around me. It's all jack-rabbit paces and aggressive inner-races. Maybe this man had showed me something more. He reminded me of how to love and how to be patient and how to tolerate and how to pull out of the race...  
 
I decided I had picked the right lineup after all. As he left I watched him and secretly sent a wish that he might find some company for drinking his cup of tea.
Decision-making
Posted by boots 13 years ago
For a while now I have been so anxious about various decisions (to make) in my life...and I decided (ha) that I would let my intellect juggle information to ease this decision-making process but that ultimately, I would trust 'that feeling' of something just being right to let that moment come to me. I think I have come to trust in my insticts, even after all the rationalizating and second-guessing, etc. That being said, one happy happy decision I made today was to blow (er, invest*) money and go on a vacation to Hawaii! I havent' really had much opportunity to vacation for real (farway or close to home) for a few years now...so this has been a happy change. I am going alone, what the hell...I will find my own itinerary, and I have finally got a good feeling that this may be just right for my spirit. Sun, sand and adventure await for me at last!  
 
Good night all. Savour those moments that make you feel happy, for they are fleeting!  
well, that was weird...
Posted by boots 14 years ago
went out with a friend on the weekend. We had planned to deck ourselves out and go dancing or do something where we coujld connect with alot of people (since neither of us gets out enough, and I happen to live in the boonies..!) Anyway we get decked out--and meet a couple of other people at a pub--suddenly she's 'outing' me! "Yeah,____ (insert my name here) is all decked out cause she wants to pick up men!That's why we're here!" I said to her, "Funny, I dind't know there was a mirror here..." My other friends caught the coy line, but she seemed determined to embarrass me. WTF??  
At another place, my other friends were being nice even asking me if I was having a good time, etc. since they wanted me to have 'a nice night out'. She proclaimed loudly, "I am perfectly happy to sit right here!!" Well, to piss her off some more (i guess?) we decided to try another club anyway, where...I got up and danced my little fanny off- finally.  
 
Why would somebody that you trust with something personal want to embarrass you like that and share what was a 'confidence' when she is also in the same boat..? I am her biggest cheerleader and encourage her when she has a date, etc...I dont' get it.  
 
Any takers on advice?  
from Kahlil Gibran (author of "The Prophet")
Posted by boots 14 years ago
"Earth"- an excerpt  
 
We blaspheme and you consecrate.  
We defile and you sanctify.  
We sleep without dreams: but you  
dream in your eternal wakefulness.  
We pierce your bosom with swords and spears,  
And you dress our wounds with oil and balsam.  
We plant your fields with skulls and bones,  
and from them you rear cypress  
and willow trees.  
 
We empty our waste in your bosom, and you fill  
our threshing-floors with wheat sheaves, and  
our winepresses with grapes.  
We extract your elements to make cannons and  
bombs, but out of your elements you create  
lilies and roses.  
 
How patient you are, Earth, and how merciful!  
...You are "I" Earth, had it not been for my being, you would not have been.  
 
 
I thought these were beautiful words to share
here is a great line...
Posted by boots 14 years ago
from a Neruda poem:  
"love is so short...forgetting is so long".  
 
(It's on my mind because I 'm chasing ghosts) sigh.  
 
"The Moderns"
Posted by boots 14 years ago
I suddenly thought of this great line from a movie (poss. my favourite?). In "The Moderns" based in the 1930's, this old party girl with flaming red hair gets up at the crack of noon, opens the drapes and sees a gorgeous sunny day outside. She puffs on her extra long ciggie, and disgustedly announces (to no one in particular), "Oh Christ, another fffucking beauu-ti-ful day..."  
The irony of that line made me laugh then, and that scene still stands out for me. Great line. (thought I'd share)
"be Clever, not Beautiful" (a line from a Hawksley Workman song)
Posted by boots 14 years ago
What is it about being clever or having to 'prove' that you are clever indeed? Why are we so hungry to relay this to others again and again (author included)? I look at so many of these comments and rather than ponder or contemplate a new thought from a post..sip on it for a while, swish it around in the 'glass' if you will...people feel the need to attest their intelligence with a certain indignance and be heard. Be clever right away. See me? Read my notes! quick, quick I know more...  
I'm not dissassociating myself from this behaviour. Nay, far from it. Every so often I catch myself quickly running to note something and be a smarty-pants to prove my cleverness. It comes down to ego. How bruised is yours that you would rather be right all the time, than be open and humbled and thank someone for showing something new? How right do we have to be..?  
 
hmm.
yeah...
Posted by boots 14 years ago
on my break I sat outside a little grocery store eating an ice cream, this guy on a cell phone says to me, "Hey, how'd you like to make some quick money?" ("huh, yeah"...I'm thinking, "it can only be quick cause it's something sleazy or illegal", but I bite, playing coy) "Quick money doing..?" I ask. He says "how'd you like to be in a porn?"  
 
I hesitated and thought...there was a time about a year and a half ago when I was desperate, really desparate for money and I would have pondered on this proposition a little too...heavily. But not today.  
 
I mumbled some line to him about, "sorry...I have to get back to the office. Too much to do". I finished my ice cream as though this was an 'every day thing' for me, then casually strolled off. I was not offended. I did not feel threatened. Strangely, it hadn't bothered me.  
 
I will consider this some twisted kind of flattery. Yeah...and feel happy not to need small favours or fickle 'friends'.  
Survivor Finale
Posted by boots 14 years ago
sigh...I can't believe people were so friggin 'upset' and bitter at Rob for playing the game...WELL.! he should have won 10 times over..! damn.  
He rocked. He kicked some serious ass. he got engaged to Amber. The man is not doing too badly.  
p.s. It has been a good show. I don't care what the 'psuedo-intellectuals' may say. It's entertainment, people :)
so it begins
Posted by boots 14 years ago
I cooked and ate a piece of shit steak. It was tough, tasteless, without grace nor humor (much like the day). I bitterly thought to myself: is this how it begins? Is this how one gets old? (Am I turning into my mother already.) A once-pretty face, now looking tired, bitter, keeping to herself. Waiting on my freedom to come in, waiting on folks to return, waiting to get out of the rain, waiting to get out of this town...go where my heart really wants...for once. Waiting, waiting..always waiting on so many things.  
When was the last time I was held by someone who really loved me? or kissed for real? When will I get another chance to look for it again? When was the last time I had no people to appease, no wrinkles to smooth out.  
 
Suddenly the rug pulled out from beneath me. Again. Frustrated again. Wondering when I get my break.  
 
You see I had made plans tonight. Nothing fancy, mind you. Just to drive into town (1.25 hrs.) to meet a friend, in the hopes of having a social life, well finding more of one really. I hadn't been out, I don't know anyone where I live, no one my age really. Anyway, I had to take a family member to the clinic again, last minute 'request', again. So much pressure and imposition, I am their only resource for now and I know it. Killed my little plan, in lieu of being a caretaker....again. Stuck taking care of people who cannot speak the language and need my car, my voice, my help. Why can't you leave me alone? I wanted to scream. Silently, I did...  
I choked it in. All that pain, loneliness and frustration (that I cannot voice to anyone) came hitting me once again.  
Oh, silly me- I thought I had a CHANCE back there, to go and create something different of my life...but no. Wrong again. No chance. Not yet, Always something else. Waiting, waiting...always so much for the waiting...  
Tonight I can taste all these sad lines. It's all I can taste (not the steak.)