So I've been in a cover band for the last 8 or so years, and it's fun to perform in front of people. It's not at all perfect and there are a lot of conflicting personalities in there too. But it's a trip. A gas. Radical. Peachy. All that and a bag of chips.
Last night I got into a Facebook conversation with a friend about a stand up comedy class, and she has a friend that may be able to do this locally (i.e. not a trip into Manhattan).
Stand-up is something I've thought about, usually as I have drifted off to sleep, But it's something completely out of my comfort zone and even though suggestions have been made about it to me I've dismissed them out of hand. Yet, I am inordinately excited about this idea, but the sucky part is that I'm going to be traveling for work and I may not be able to partake in this. Isn't it ironic, don't you think?
I am thoroughly loving this TV show. It's like Police Squad/Naked Gun with similar jokes. And Rashida Jones. Produced by Steve Carell and his wife Nancy, who have what seems to have an amazing sense of humor at least from my perspective.
If you're in the mood for silly comedy, I strongly suggest ... Angie Tribeca.
I started a new job with Big Consulting Firm in mid-December. And for the past 5+ weeks I have been working from home with the occasional trip to bring my laptop to a Starbucks and work from there.
In these 5 weeks, I have gotten paid pretty well for ... get this ... creating and editing documents. Not that this isn't important as the documents I am editing come from people who have less than native mastery of English, but it's really not something I want to do for the rest of my life.
I should be traveling to client sites and espousing the benefits of my firm's approach to data management and partner with sales guys on how exactly the client would like them to bend over for their business. I should be overseeing development plans and checking in on how things are working out on projects in flight.
But no. Shiggy is reviewing generic documentation and fixing grammar, adding texture, and restructuring documents authored in Mumbai, Bangalore, and Hyderabad for eyes that reside in Detroit, Seattle, and Charlotte.
On the plus side I'm not spending (too much) money and the pants requirement is waived in my home office. I'd say it's a wash, but I would really like to do something more in line with what they hired me for even if it does require pants.
Worst pun ever (part 128823)
IMing with a co worker in a different part of the country. He travels a lot and has a dog.
me: What do you do with him when you travel
he: He has a babysitter
he: I use an app called Rover, it hooks you up with local people that will take your dog in.
me: Are they vetted? (oof, I'm so sorry for that one)
Spent New Year's Day with family
My extremely loud (great-)uncle likes to tell the same jokes all the time, but you know what to expect when you go to their house. Sandwiches from the deli (they haven't used the kitchen to prepare food since 1968) and some random friends of a similar age discussing their random medical ailments and random Republican presidential candidates.
I did get a chuckle from some when I suggested that I'll bring an extra $100 when I travel to Detroit for work so I could invest in real estate.
LowFlyingMule> they just issued an arrest warrant for Bill Cosby
LowFlyingMule> he gonna get his pudding popped
kingskyprawn> Bill Crosby just making it harder for others rapists to be hypocritical public moral scolds
kingskyprawn> THINK OF THE RAPISTS, BILL!
!! clu is around.
!! LinusMines is around.
LinusMines> If only Bill had thought of therapists years ago...
LinusMines> Oh, wait...
kingskyprawn> : )
shigpit> He must have demanded to be a gynecologist on the Cosby Show.
LinusMines> I Was Cosby's Personal Speculum Warmer (full report later)
shigpit> "Hey, can i run this scene again?"
shigpit> "Bill, it's been nine times."
LinusMines> "Can I get fluff....uh, makeup on the set?"
LinusMines> "And I need a dry sweater from wardrobe!"
LinusMines> Wonder if his lawyers will use the affluenza defense...
shigpit> There are plenty of new women to rape if he flees to Mexico too.
shigpit> Oh god that's the blackest joke I've ever written.
shigpit> LOL -- No offense to racial connotation of that word either, but that makes it even funnier.
> * * * LowFlyingMule gives shiggy a coke with a rufie in it
LinusMines> Schadenfreude LOL!
I don't care about football.
I think all season I've watched maybe 20 minutes of football. I'm not interested in it, I don't root for teams, and I think the league is a crock of shit that makes money from wife beaters and murderers, yet doesn't care about them enough to pad them and address the high propensity for major bodily injury.
I do play fantasy football. I drafted lucky, went 11-2 (2 games ahead of the rest of the league) and wound up in the finals this year. This week was the finals, so I pretended to care a little more about the games. But only so my players could do well.
Nutshell: I need the performances of a lifetime from my remaining RB (Cincinnati's RB Jeremy Hill) as well as the Denver Broncos' defense, on Monday night. They play each other. I'm fucked.
Glad this one's not for money.
I am proud of the name of my team though. Rex Ryan's Foot Fetish, you've done me proud.
These dates will heretofore be known as the dark ages. I missed this place. And my password worked on the first entry.
Oinks from the bottom of my heart. You're all awesome.
Im in ur sunz, skinnin ur armz.
2 ripe avocadoes
1 medium tomato
1 medium red onion
1-2 jalapeños (to taste)
2 Tbsp chopped cilantro
1 Tbsp lime juice
Peel, separate, and mash avocadoes.
Chop tomato (remove pulp and seeds)
Chop red onion
Finely chop jalapeños
Finely chop cilantro
Add all to avocado.
Stir and serve with chips and Corona.
Bizarre regional sex practices
Japan has its fetishes, but what other bizarre practices exist?
Minnesota: Brats as sexual aids.
XIV> annnnd i'm spent
pneum0nic> That and about $19.95 just might get you laid in MN
XIV> don't forget the brats
pneum0nic> right, you might need to feed em too
pneum0nic> or would you have enough money to buy yourself a couple brats after the transaction?
shigpit> No, the brats are before and during.
Someone bitchslap my friend
My friend A, who got me my last job, you know, the one that let me go the end of May because they didn't have enough work for me, starts IMming me.
He: "Hey! How's the job search?"
Me: "Eh, nothing much here"
He: "I'm working on getting new business here, but I think I want to leave this company."
Me: "Oh really?"
He: (goes on about contracts and his own interviews and things looking promising)
Me: "Yeah, before I started with [that company] I had a consulting gig that paid more but I was looking for stability. Oh well."
No, I'm not angry at him, I'm angry at the company. And I can't say I want hi to go fuck himself, because he's a good guy. Just leave me the hell alone until I find something, okay A?
Fscker and Fsckee at the same time.
I get a letter holding my reimbursement check from my last job.
In there are two checks and a note, paraphrased into 3 points:
1) Reimbursement check
2) Final paycheck minus all the medical premiums we never took out of your checks dating back to February.
3) Wishing you success in all your future endeavors.
Letter was signed by the head dude that I didn't report to.
Wait, what? They never took out med premiums?Hell, they never told me what they would BE! Oh, fuck them in their fucking asses. I start typing an email to raise hell by emailing everyone in the company how fucking incompetent they...
I reread the letter. I missed a point.
"... and 40 hours additional vacation pay as per your agreement with (head dude that was my boss guy)" Wait a second, did we have that agreement? I didn't know about that agreement.
And then I counted backwards. I just got what I thought was my final check direct deposited in my bank account. I called Shigette. She agreed.
I doublechecked everything that I think I was due. Yes, the 40 hours additional vacation pay was docked for my premiums. But I didn't think I was getting that at all. Thinking about it now, I probably should still raise that hell but on a slightly more cordial level. For a minute, I feel like they screwed up in my favor. I'll let you all know.
Just got a call from a company that wants to set up an interview. Yadda yadda, I don't remember the position but it sounds great, and I get a time and all that.
Hang up, and I remember that I was originally presented by a recruiter. And that there was no response from the company because I didn't have certain buzzwords on my resume. It was also going to be a 30-40% paycut, and my discussion with the recruiter began and ended with "I know what I want to get paid, and I'm not going to overcompromise if they're looking for my experience level."
So, although I realize this won't end well, I'm not telling this recruiter about my interview. If this job turns out to be a wonderful thing, I'll gladly take it. And I'll let this company and that recruiter fight it out.
Some kids are more special than others
Friday afternoon our son wasn't home at the usual time via bus from his school. At about 3:10 we get a call from the mother of one of the kids on his bus. "Can I talk to your wife, please? We had a little incident on the bus today."
I hand the phone to Shigette, immediately hear "What the fuck?" and "You have got to be fucking kidding me!" after which she throws the phone at me and says "You talk to her, I am too angry to speak to this woman." (as my son walks in the door)
Turns out my son and her kid (who is 2 years older and 150 pounds bigger) got into an argument. Her Kid (J) broke a toy, Shiglet then ripped one of J's Pokemon cards. Then J grabbed Shiglet's glasses off his face, twisted them, and threw them on the highway. If it wasn't for the bus aide, J would have then assaulted another two kids that were trying to stick up for Shiglet.
J's mother said "Oh, we'll cover the glasses, and I'm really really upset about this. But J must have felt really strongly about the card that was ripped." My response: "I'm not going to tell you how to parent, but it's obvious this anger is a problem J has and will continue to have without consequences."
While I was on the phone with J's mother, Shigette was calling the school district, the principal of Shiglet's school, and the head of transportation.
Last night we spoke to a lawyer friend of ours. We will be filing assault charges and an order of protection. I don't care that this kid is 12. He had already threatened to blow up our house
two Halloweens ago.
As of this morning J has not yet been suspended from school because the bus company hadn't completed paperwork on the incident. I will not let Shiglet on the bus while J is on it, so Shigette drove him this morning. My ultimate requirement is that J is no longer attending the same school as Shiglet, effective immediately. And that J's mom reimburses us for the glasses.
This is the poster child for retroactive abortion. Gotta love it.
... but some calls smell like win and tea tree oil.
FuzzyDave> my belt: Lance Kerwin's left leg skin
FuzzyDave> yeah. i made a James at 15 reference. Suck it, Dennis Miller!
FuzzyDave> sometimes i just riff with myself
FuzzyDave> thank god for this tube sock
Novelhead> Hahah... Oh, is that what the kids are calling it nowadays?
* * * XIV mind asplodes
FuzzyDave> yes. yes they are. "Sorry, Gloria. I can't talk on the phone anymore tonight. I Riffed With FuzzyDave so much, I'm totally sleepy"
XIV> i know what you're all saying, but i cannot for the life of me grok it
Novelhead> Around here, we call it "punching the Pope". As in, "My date went so badly, I went home alone and punched the Pope."
XIV> I prefer Flogging the Molly
Novelhead> twisting the sister
Novelhead> wetting the toad spocket
XIV> strapping the lad
FuzzyDave> well from now on, be like the Cool Kids and use the proper euphemism: Riffing With FuzzyDave
Novelhead> K, will do :)
shigpit> Well, I riffed with FuzzyDave three times last night.
shigpit> And then the power went out.
Novelhead> That's why you get a Fuzzy Dave with batteries....
FuzzyDave> shiggy loves to riff with fuzzydave whilst sitting on the washing machine during the spin cycle
Novelhead> Really? I like to riff with fuzzydave in the hot tub, with the jets squirting water in uncomfortable places
FuzzyDave> i need a girdle, toupee, 5 million dollars and a private jet. Leo and Bar Refaeli have split. i gotta take my shot.
shigpit> they're plenty comfortable if you do it right
Novelhead> Oh, and eating a waffle... If you've never eaten a waffle in the hot tub, then baby, you just haven't lived!
shigpit> Ooh, I could use a couple of hours in a hot tub.
Hugh2d2> NOVEL!?!?! WTH? Where you been!?!?!?
* * * XIV boards up chatter, hangs sign that says "QUARANTINES - PREVERTS"
FuzzyDave> waffletubbing is the flahmob
FuzzyDave> gah! let's try that again: waffletubbing is the new flashmob
shigpit> XIV, you boarded that from the INSIDE, right?
Novelhead> Hi, Hugh! The time machine worked! Can you believe it?
Novelhead> I traveled four years into the future and avoided Bush's second term
Novelhead> "Waffletubbing", I like it. How can we get it in the next Olympics?
shigpit> You might need to make it more of a ring-toss, NH.
FuzzyDave> i would so win a silver in that event
shigpit> Mixed Waffletubbing: "And Inga lines up to toss the waffle. But Sven goes soft! Oh, the number one seed has lost!"
shigpit> There are six double entendres in the above sentence.
FuzzyDave> heh. you said "toss" and "seed"
XIV> does that equal 12 dirty jokes?
Darwish> six and a half if you're a furry
XIV> or 3 triple wit sandwiches of snark?
XIV> hold the aphorisms
* * * FuzzyDave , who is hard of hearing, mistakenly clutches an amphora
* * * shigpit throws FuzzyDave an ampule.
* * * FuzzyDave drups the amphora to catch the ampule
The end-around is a play in football where the quarterback pitches to a running back or a receiver on one end, who then goes behind the line of scrimmage and around to the other side (where less defenders should be covering) and hopefully a large gain.
It's a long run and it doesn't always work, but if you catch the opposing team offguard the rewards outweigh the risk.
I am probably going to be without a job, again, in a couple of weeks. My company has no work for me to do, and if I'm not billable it's a problem for them to pay me. Yes, this sucks. And will be the third time in a year that my full time job would be looking for a full time job.
So, I'm doing something about it while I'm still on salary.
1) I'm going to be "hanging a shingle" to do resumes, business writing, and personal job placement consulting.
2) I'll be starting a blog on employment issues as a companion piece to #1.
3) I've also begun mapping out a blog on data and information -- probably to rebroadcast news articles and identify patterns that exist. I *AM* a data analyst by profession.
And after a discussion with my boss last week (yes, we've spoken about a half-dozen times since February) about the horrible market for consulting services, I made the suggestion that I can draft a marketing campaign for the company I'm presently working for. It requires knowledge of the business we're in and a flexible approach that utilizes existing internet tools. Hopefully my company will use it to save the money they're paying the current worthless "marketing veepee" who is a complete luddite and hasn't personally joined Facebook yet. If there's one thing I'm good at, it's pointing out what other people aren't good at.
If this job is lost, it's not something that's in my control. I just need to get to a point where I can best position myself for the next job. One thing I've learned over the past year is that there's no such thing as a career anymore, it's just a set of experiences you can parlay from one working situation to another. And the gold watches your employers give you for years of dedicated service? Fat chance that'll ever happen to me.
We're all on Facebook, right?
We must all post pictures of young us on Facebook. It's only fair. Gives us more to laff at each other for.
Shiggy, age 9 or so:
(12:41:26 PM) foop: test
(12:41:31 PM) shig: icle
(12:41:35 PM) foop: lol
(12:41:39 PM) shig: lipop
(12:41:47 PM) foop: fist
(12:41:49 PM) shig: ula
(12:41:55 PM) foop: anal
(12:41:58 PM) shig: og
(12:42:02 PM) foop: dia
(12:42:09 PM) shig: log
(12:42:17 PM) foop: ambi
(12:42:19 PM) shig: dextrous
(12:42:30 PM) foop: fasc
(12:42:32 PM) shig: ist
(12:42:37 PM) foop: diplo
(12:42:41 PM) shig: macy
(12:42:50 PM) foop: dog
(12:42:52 PM) shig: ma
(12:43:15 PM) foop: tick tick tick
(12:43:20 PM) foop: BUZZER!
(12:43:20 PM) shig: mooboom
(12:43:23 PM) foop: Sorry, times up.
(12:43:29 PM) shig: i typeed "MA!"
(12:43:30 PM) foop: thanks for playing. :D
(12:43:34 PM) shig: i gotta go anyway
(12:43:34 PM) foop: TOO LATE!
(12:43:37 PM) foop: thx
(12:43:39 PM) shig: XD
(12:43:43 PM) shig: (dips)
If I didn't have responsibilities...
...I'd become a shepherd. Totally. The bleating is better than the bullshitting.
For those of you without twitter, here are mine. I'm proud of them, mmmkay?
"The Silence of the Limbs" - Jodie Foster as a woman searching for a cure for her Tourette's Syndrome
"The Jungle Bork" - Supreme Court Nominee Robert Bork swings from vines and sings about "The Bare Necessities"
"Johnny Pneumonic" - Keanu Reeves is a cyborg power drill
"The Hole Nine Yards" - Bruce Willis stars as an owner of a Mini Golf course on the run from the mob
"The Staid" - Stephen King's epic novel about a plague of dignified manners hitting the world.
"Saturday Fight Fever" Elton John provides the soundtrack, and Brad Pitt and Ed Norton star in this musical Fight Club.
"Saturday Night Fiver" Tony Manero will dance for tips.
"Footlouse" - Small town boy dances to get the bedbugs off his extremities.
"Full Meta Jacket" - Soldiers sit around watching Kubrick movies.
"Dances With Vowels" - Kevin Costner plays a teacher who heads West to educate the natives.
"Snacks On A Plane" - Food service brings too many peanuts for flight, Samuel L. Jackson has REALLY BAD allergies.
"Snape's On A Plane" - Alan Rickman heads to a Harry Potter movie shoot, gets into a fight with Samuel L. Jackson.
"Shakes On A Plane" - Banana smoothies at 30,000 feet, Samuel L. Jackson has had enough of the MF'n shakes.
"Stakes On A Plane" - High Dollar Poker takes to the sky to the detriment of other passengers. Samuel L. Jackson curses.
"Snakes On A Plain" - Torrential rains in Spain cause serpent outbreak. Samuel L. Jackson spouts profanity.
"American Idle" - Unemployed people audition for a job at a record company
"Goon With The Wind" - Hockey comes to Atlanta
"The DaVinci Cad" - Bachelor has a series of one-night stands while traveling through Italy
"Caddyshock" - Horror/Comedy on a golf course where a squirrel chews through electrical wires, wreaking havoc on the golfers.
"M*A*S*K" - young boy with rare deformity-causing disease fights in Korea.
I do not have, nor did I spread this Swine Flu.
I have never been to Mexico, and if I did I would probably only be a carrier of burritos in my belly.
I might take a preventative course of Cipro, but it wasn't me. Pinky swear.
I bet the Stranger was a horny Dave Gahan. what do you think?
Stranger: if you dont speak to me ill kill myself
You: don't do it!
Stranger: whew, that was close
You: yeah man
Stranger: you saved my life
You: yay me
You: i hope it was worth saving
You: i'm guessing it was
You: being that i don't know you
Stranger: since you saved my life, you are forever indebted to me and must do everything i say
You: i will not wear the french maid's outfit
Stranger: i hate it anyway
Stranger: you must obey my every command
Stranger: hey, if i had saved your life, the shoe would be on the other foot, now wouldnt it?
You: Well, if it were my other foot would be quite uncomfortable
Stranger: i cant solve all your problems
You: you're the one that almost killed yourself because a stranger was slow to say hi
You: i'm thinking that's a bigger problem.
Stranger: ah, but you jumped right in to save me from myself
You: i probably would have said hi anyway, you know.
Stranger: i doubt it
Stranger: i know your type
You: And what type would that be?
Stranger: the type that thinks they are always in control
You: ah, yeah, that.
You: *makes like dr. evil and requests one beeeelion dollars*
Stranger: so, anonymous internet stranger.. you now have to obey my every command
You: i've been waiting for a command for 10 minutes or so.
Stranger: you wouldnt shut up. you must be a woman
You: (looks down)
Stranger: oh. no.
Stranger: i wasted all that energy for nothing
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: Do you want to see a magic trick?
Stranger: I'm going to make myself disappear... watch closely...
Your conversational partner has disconnected.