Discouraged by the broad accessibility of state parks, Republicans are working to identify which parks should be left to go feral and unusable.  
 
Some left wing alarmists are concerned that park closings will disproportionately impact lower income or minority communities.
According to Baptist and Lutheran groups, storms in the Twin Cities were not the result of atmospheric conditions but instead were an encoded message from Jesus related to sectarian confusion over homosexuality.
Republicans are denying links to Maryland White Supremacist James von Brunn accused of shootings at the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum.  
 
Denying the existence of any tie, Republicans instead suggest that the James von Brunn was likely a member of the Democratic Underground, a left wing web site.  
 
For the moment, google cache has the full story, containing old copies of several stories including several in which Brunn stirs up conspiracy theorizing about Obama's race, missing bio, and Jewish sympathies.
People don't want to read things on the internet.  
 
They love ads. Love them. Everything else, they hate that. If it's not ads, they hate it. They also hate small ads.  
 
To counteract the public hate of small ads, twenty-seven publishers, including CBS, Bloomberg, BusinessWeek, Conde Nast, ESPN, Forbes, FOX, IDG, MSNBC, MTV, NBC, The New York Times, Reuters, USA Today, The Wall Street Journal, and Weather.com, have gotten together to slowly make content virtually impossible to find behind the giant ads that everyone wants.  
 
Giant big-ass ads. Not running your browser maximized on a resolution less than 1920x1200? Awesome. For you, these sites may be totally phasing certain unnecessary features completely out. Namely content and meaningful design.
Madelyn Dunham, the grandmother who was the anchor in the life of the child that was Barack Obama, died today just hours before polling stations opened in America's historic election.
Disagreeing with the McCain campaign is, according to the most popular Republican in America, a violation of federal law.  
 
Sarah Palin says that referring to her negative campaigning abridges her first amendment rights. That's a rough wake-up call for the millions of Americans who, if the allegations are true, could face prison time.  
 
Asked if she was letting it get her down, Palin responded, "...the bitter shots taken by the mainstream media and by some of the elitism there in Washington."  
 
When elitism shoots you with the bitter, just smiles and winks and say something incoherent.  
 
More evidence is cropping up that Barack Obama has plans to murder all Christians.  
 
The latest evidence is the term Alinsky-Lucifer.  
 
"And the connection between Alinsky and Barack Obama—and Alinsky and the left in general—is real...Alinsky, who died in 1972, was a sort of godfather to all the activist groups that emerged in the 60s and 70s, the most famous (or, if you prefer, notorious) of which today is ACORN."  
 
"OK, so the Alinsky-Obama connection is real."  
 
This is, of course, not the first time that Barack Obama has been accused of murdering and supporting the murder of Christians.
"We are going to intercede at the site of the statue of the bull on Wall Street to ask God to begin a shift from the bull and bear markets to what we feel will be the 'Lion’s Market,' or God’s control over the economic systems"  
 
Seemingly unconcerned about what happened to the last Judeo-Christian believers to worship at the feet of a golden calf, God's chosen people have taken to the streets to pray for special magic to overcome financial hardships.  
 
Unavailable for comment, God has not made it clear whether it cares more for this human economy than the economies at the time of the Flood.
Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama did not urge Iraqi officials to delay a decision on a security agreement with the United States, Iraq's foreign minister told CNN on Sunday.  
 
The statement by Iraqi Foreign Minister Hoshyar Zebari refutes a recent published report and a statement by Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin that Obama tried to influence Iraqi politicians negotiating with the United States to score political points.
Brave Americans in Ohio and Pennsylvania risking their lives to expose Barack Hussein Obama for who he really is, the terrorist mastermind behind 9/11 and a Communist homosexual.  
 
Liberal terrorists catch the fine people on video.  
 
Compassionate, thinking, intellectual conservatism at its finest.
"We are about to find out whether our traditional devotion to free speech and free enquiry can survive real, incontrovertible results from the human sciences; and in particular, in the event of an Obama victory, whether that devotion can survive under a left-liberal administration headed by a cultural Marxist — an administration much more interested in shoring up the soft totalitarianism of “diversity” and “multiculturalism” than in permitting the discovery of true facts about human nature."  
 
"The younger generation of human-sciences enthusiasts trend conservative/libertarian, and Obama has them worried."  
 
While a "mass exodus of researchers to some more hospitable nation, in the manner of Jewish scientists fleeing the Nazis" may be unlikely. It appears that most, if not all, conservative scientists fear extradition to secret prisons or worse:  
 
"We need to step very carefully as we as going up against the official state religion, namely PC, and until we reach critical mass we’ll be convicted in the media and go straight to the gulag rather than be afforded the benefit of a [S]copes trial."
"We see America as the greatest force for good in this world," Palin said at a fund-raising event in Colorado, adding, "Our opponent though, is someone who sees America, it seems, as being so imperfect that he's palling around with terrorists"
The nation's largest greeting card company is rolling out same-sex wedding cards -- featuring two tuxedos, overlapping hearts or intertwined flowers, with best wishes inside. "Two hearts. One promise," one says.  
 
Hallmark added the cards after California joined Massachusetts as the only U.S. states with legal gay marriage. A handful of other states have recognized same-sex civil unions.  
 
Christians are already frothing at the mouth over Hallmark "promoting a lifestyle which is illegal in 48 states." Worried that greeting cards containing powerful gay magic will make all Americans gay, the AFA, an organization which reaches and represents millions of American Christians, is issuing a call for all Americans who don't hate God and country, but who do hate fags, and the murder, stealing, and adultery which are all caused by homosexuality, to let Hallmark know just how much you hate fags in an email.  
 
The Republican base, not to be left out, is letting their voice be heard:  
"This is a fight of decency and god vs indecency and evil."  
John Yancey of Lowville, New York, hates his father. And, he's not alone. He's joining a fellowship of other believers in a common faith that has only one commandment: thou shalt hate wind energy and anyone in your community who disagrees on your views in regard to wind energy.  
 
"Is it worth destroying a whole way of life?", Yancey asks, wondering whether wind energy will destroy the ability of humans to continue to survive on land and raise crops. A farmer's son, John doesn't seem to think there are any options left and that the human race may be doomed unless wind energy can be stopped.  
 
Sixth-grade teacher Dawn Sweredoski thinks windmills are beautiful, but admits "it's hard when change is for the common good but some people suffer more than others."  
 
And, high on Tug Hill, the Golgotha of Lowville, John Yancey's crucifixion continues.  
 
 
 
Authorities in Botetourt County this morning discovered the body of a well-known Democratic operative and U.S. Senate aide along U.S. 220, dead from an apparent gunshot wound.  
 
"Freddie was one of the most honorable and friendly individuals I have had the pleasure of knowing. He was a mainstay in the Roanoke community and a friend to all who knew him. My condolences go out to his mother, Karen, and the rest of his family and friends. He will be greatly missed."  
-Senator Jim Webb  
 
 
Republican responses immediately spanned the range from speculation of involvement by Barack Obama and homosexual relationships with Senator Webb and John Edwards to accusations of collusion with Osama bin Laden. All Republicans seem to agree on at least one response to the 26 year old's death: "LOL!!!"